Blackpowder
by Tollivandi Silverwing
Summary: A chimneysweep turned alchemist is determined to do things her own way, much to the disappointment of the military.
1. Becoming Blackpowder

Roy Mustang was just about to tell the potential State Alchemists to begin the written part of their exams when the doors burst open. He glared at the panting figure who had entered. "You're late," he said.

"I just barely got off work!" protested the young woman. "I didn't even have time to go home and wash up, in case you couldn't tell."

Roy could tell. Her face, hands, and clothes were covered with soot. "What are you?" he asked. "A chimneysweep?"

"Yep!" she said cheerfully. "Anna Johnson, at your service."

"Well, Miss Johnson, why don't you take a seat before you waste any more of everyone else's time?"

Anna's grin faded. "Fine, be that way." She went to an empty chair.

Satisfied, Roy turned away and said, "Begin." As the hopeful alchemists started their exam, Roy felt something strike the back of his head. Instantly, he turned back to Anna, but she was working hard on her exam. Looking on the floor, Roy found a small piece of coal. Again he looked at Anna, and this time he noticed that the soot on her hands was gone.

Roy neatly suppressed a smile as he sat down to wait for the end of the exam. Insubordination was a quality he rather admired in an alchemist. He couldn't wait to see if this…chimneysweep…succeeded.

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Anna Johnson waited impatiently for her summons. She had been specifically told not to be late for the second part of her exam, the interview, and now of course, they keep her waiting!

At last the doors opened and she found herself in a dark room. The only light fell onto a single chair placed in the center, leaving the interviewers themselves in shadow.

"Have a seat, Miss Johnson," said a familiar voice.

"Oh, it's you again," Anna sighed as she sat down.

"I'm glad to see you bothered to clean up this time," said Roy.

Anna smiled with mock sweetness. "Only for your benefit, Colonel. Now how about that interview?"

"One moment. About your written exam…"

"I'm assuming I passed, since I'm here?"

"Yes, but barely."

"Well, at least I passed. And considering the fact that I was almost stuck in a chimney two minutes before I took it, I'd say that's quite an accomplishment."

"Very well," said Roy, and began the interview. "What form of alchemy do you specialize in?"

"I make things go boom," said Anna, grinning.

"Um…would you care to elaborate?"

Anna rolled up the sleeve on her right arm to reveal a transmutation circle tattooed on the inside of her wrist. "I use this to rearrange the molecules of a substance and create different forms of explosives. Here, take a look." She pulled something out of a pouch hanging from her belt and flipped it at Roy. "It's one of my inventions."

Roy held the small object up to the light. It looked and felt exactly like a coin, but etched onto its surface was a transmutation circle. "What is it?" he asked.

"I call them boomcoins," Anna explained. "Each one is a piece of dynamite covered by a thin layer of scrap metal. I activate the circle and throw the boomcoin at my intended target. It makes quite a bang."

"I hope you understand my concern when I say that this circle looks a bit like the ones used by the late Crimson Alchemist."

Anna's gray eyes grew steely. "I'm aware of the similarity of our circles and our alchemy. The similarities end there. Unlike Kimblee, I change molecules not into unstable arrangements, but reactive ones. I make proper bombs, not…human ones."

She stared at the floor, seeing something that had happened years before, and continued. "A friend of my family was killed by Kimblee, and I was there when it happened. I was ten. I got hit by…by…pieces of the victim." Anna paused and lifted her shirt just enough for the interviewers to see the long scar across her abdomen. "This is more than enough of a reminder of the Crimson Alchemist, and I don't want to be compared to him again. Next question."

Roy looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, but did not pursue the subject. "Why do you wish to become a state alchemist?"

Anna smirked. "I know from experience that, alchemical powers or not, not many people care to listen to a female chimneysweep's ideas, no matter how good they might be. If I were a state alchemist, I would be better qualified to help people. Also, I'd have the resources I need to continue inventing new explosives, all of which will be at the military's disposal. Once they're finished, of course."

Anna's voice was serious, but her eyes said otherwise. She knew that such an offer was enticing. She bit her lip to keep from grinning as Roy tried to stare her down.

"Miss Johnson," said Roy at last. "You may be excused."

Anna's face fell. "Oh…"

"But do not be late for your practical exam."

"You mean I passed?" asked Anna, surprised.

Roy nodded.

"YES!" she yelled. "Er…I mean…that's good to hear."

"I look forward to seeing your demonstration."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be blown away, sir," said Anna. She gave a mock salute and left the room.

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Anna arrived for the third and last part of her alchemy exam wearing her soot-covered work clothes. If Roy wasn't mistaken, they were the exact same set of clothes she had worn during her written test.

"If you pass this exam," he asked. "And become a member of the military, is this all we can expect from you?"

"_When_ I pass, I will continue to perform alchemy as I always have," said Anna. "These clothes are comfortable and I don't worry about them getting ripped, burned or dirty."

"Would you at least consider wearing _clean_ work clothes when you are working with us?" asked Roy, somewhat hopefully.

"What? These are clean! I just washed them two weeks ago!" Anna exclaimed, greatly enjoying the look of disgust that crossed the Colonel's face. "Anyway, when do I start?"

"Right now," said Roy.

"Alright then." Anna stepped onto the examination grounds and knelt, pressing her right hand to the ground. A thick wall rose up between her and the observers, with a line of small round windows set at eye level.

"Safety first!" she called cheerfully as she began transmuting the earth once more. She created a pillar, two stories high and six feet in diameter. Arranged all over the pillar were fire-based circles, and out of the center of each of the circles came a piece of string; a fuse. All of these fuses twisted together into a single strand, which Anna picked up.

She walked as far away as that master fuse would allow and a raised a barrier for herself to take shelter behind. Reaching into the pouch on her belt, she pulled out a very small boomcoin, placed it on the ground and put the master fuse on top of it. She touched it and drew her hand back quickly. The mini-boomcoin had only enough explosives in it to produce a small flame, just enough to light the fuse.

Roy watched all this with great interest. Anna was creative, to say the least, and no doubt there was some sort of surprise beyond a grand explosion. She—wait. Roy could not quite see the top of Anna's pillar through the window he watched through, but something was not right. He risked a peek around the barrier. "Um, Miss Johnson?" he called to her.

"Yes, Colonel?" She glanced at him, keeping most of her attention on the quickly burning fuse, but then looked back, confused. Why did he have that expression on his face, and what was he pointing at? She followed his gaze to the top of her pillar, and gasped. Someone was standing up there, and the fuse was getting ever shorter.

"Dammit!" she shouted, and ran out from behind her shelter. She saw instantly that there was no use trying to race the fuse to the pillar, so she dove to the ground, grinding her right palm into the dirt. _Please let me be fast enough!_

The fuses reached the pillar as alchemical light flashed from Anna's tattoo. There was only a split second of absolute silence before the pillar exploded, tossing her into the air like a doll.

She landed almost a hundred feet away, flat on her back. She lay there for a few seconds, staring at the colorful fireworks that now decorated the sky, before her back actually started to hurt. When it did, she groaned loudly. She'd _definitely_ be feeling that one in the morning. And the morning after that, and the morning after that…

"Are you alright?" asked Roy. He and the other observers had been safely ducking behind their own barrier and had seen Anna go flying over them.

"Oh, absolutely. I'm skipping through a damn field of daisies," Anna snapped at him. "Did you see the cylinder?"

"What cylinder?"

With a loud _clank_, an large iron cylinder landed twenty feet from where Anna was laying. It lay still on its side, but then started to rock back and forth. Anna painfully got to her feet, hissing as her back complained. She strode slowly, but purposefully towards the cylinder. She kicked at it, and the other alchemists could now hear a muffled yell from inside.

"You're the stupidest person alive, do you know that?" she yelled at the cylinder. She laid her hand against it and split it open, revealing a young man inside. "You're lucky I felt like saving your worthless life, Thin-air!"

"Yeah, thanks," said the young man as he climbed out of the cylinder. "Well, see you around, Anna."

"Oh, no you don't!" She grabbed him by his jacket collar and pulled him back. "You just—owww!" Anna's poor and sore back gave an unpleasant throb and the pain disappeared along with the rest of the world.

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She awoke in a bed in the infirmary, lying on her stomach in order to ease her bruised back. The first thing she saw was Roy sitting in a chair by her bed.

"Go…away." She growled, closing her eyes again.

"Alright, I'll go," said Roy. "I just came to give you this." He put something on her bedside table and left.

Not bothering to look, Anna groped along the table until her fingers met a round object. _No way…_

She opened her eyes. Sure enough, it was a state alchemist pocket-watch. She grabbed the paper that the watch had been on top of and scanned it quickly. It was a bona fide document that said that she, Anna Johnson, had been named the Blackpowder Alchemist!

Even though he had almost left the building, Roy could still hear her raucous "Whoo-hooo!"


	2. Cannon Anna

_Tolly: Disclaimer time: The only alchemist that is mine is Blackpowder. The Thin-air Alchemist belongs to the member of my forum who has the same name. Thank you, Matt!_

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Anna practically skipped down the street. The bruises on her back had faded, allowing her to wear a full backpack without pain. It was a beautiful blue-sky day, and she was looking for an old friend. She poked her head into a tavern and grinned when she spotted him up at the bar. She walked in and sat down beside him. "Hey, Thin-air."

"Hey," he said. "Feeling better?"

"Better or bitter?"

"Sorry about that, but how else was I going to get your attention?"

"What was it that was so important you had to almost ruin my exam?"

Thin-air, a.k.a. Matt, shrugged. "To let you know I was back."

Anna punched his shoulder. "Idiot."

Matt grinned. "Yeah, but you did let me live."

"Next time I won't."

"You say that, but I know you too well. Nobody's ever going to die on your watch."

"Maybe not, but I could do some pretty nasty things if you ever try that again. Remember the Tag-you're-it circle?"

Matt grinned, indeed remembering the transmutation circle that caused a person's clothes to completely unravel. "Give and you shall receive," he warned. "But for now, truce?"

Anna nodded. "Sure. It wasn't the first time a blast has sent me flying, and it probably won't be the last. But you still owe me."

"Didn't you get my flowers?"

"Come on, Matt. You know I'm not a flowery kind of girl!"

"True," Matt agreed.

Anna and Matt had met some years before, and at first, Anna had been skeptical of his story about being from a different world. But after he proved it to her, and she had gotten over her amazement, they became friends. Matt didn't quite approve of the military, and so he was a sort of vigilante alchemist, named Thin-air for his alchemical ability to transmute things out of 'thin air'.

"So," he said. "Did you pass? I mean, you did show that you could act quickly."

Anna proudly presented her new pocket-watch. "Introducing the Blackpowder Alchemist!" she said. "And to celebrate, you're buying me vodka."

"But I thought you took a vow of sobriety," said Matt as he paid the bartender.

Anna rolled her eyes. "I did." She had been to one too many rowdy family reunions, and with her particular alchemical talent, it was a bad idea to get drunk. She took off her backpack and produced a hip flask "I never said I was actually going to drink it," she said as she poured the vodka into the flask.

Matt smirked, knowing exactly what Anna had in mind. "You know, the State doesn't usually allow its dogs to do street performances."

"I'm not going to change my ways just because I became a state alchemist," said Anna with a defiant gleam in her eye. "They can put a collar on me, but they can't make me sit up and beg."

"Fight the power!" said Matt.

Anna grinned as she put the flask into her pocket. "I'd better get going. It's peak crowd time, and this is my first performance as Blackpowder."

"I'll come watch," said Matt. "I've got nothing else to do, and I haven't seen you perform in a while. Do you still do the human cannonball?"

"You'll have to see," said Anna. "Just don't be jumping on top of any of my explosives!"

"Yes, ma'am," Matt said dryly as they left the tavern. He walked over to a nearby bench and sat down to enjoy the show.

Anna, meanwhile, took three round black objects out of her backpack. They resembled small bombs, complete with fuses and on each one was one of Anna's explosive circles. Anna began to juggle them as she whistled a cheery tune. Every once in a while, she'd activate a circle as one of the bombs came into her right hand on its way through the air, and there would be a bright white flash.

These objects were what she called M-bombs. They were packed full of pure magnesium, which, when the circles were activated, reacted with the oxygen in the air to produce the bright flashes.

Before long, an interested crowd formed around her. When she had a suitable-sized audience, Anna caught all three bombs in her hat and put it back on her head. She left her hand on top of them, touching them through the fabric. "Ladies and gentlemen," she said in a raised voice. "You are about to witness the amaz--!"

The M-bombs in Anna's hat exploded in a large flash of white light. She ducked and yelped as though caught off-guard, and her audience gasped. Anna took off the remains of her hat and stared at it for a second with wide eyes. Then she tossed it over her shoulder, saying, "I didn't like that hat anyway." The small crowd laughed, relieved.

"As I was saying, you are about to witness the amazing pyrotechnical feats of Anna Johnson, known far and wide as Cannon Anna!"

"Pyrotechnical feats?" said a boy's voice. "More like alchemical tricks."

Anna turned to face the speaker. He wore a red cloak and his long blond hair was held back in a braid. He was short, and was made even smaller in comparison to the person who stood next to him in a 7-foot suit of armor.

Anna spared him only a glance before rolling her eyes and throwing her hands in the air. "He's right! I am an alchemist, but this show won't be as entertaining if you all think I'm using alchemy, so…"

She rolled up her sleeve to show her tattoo. "Like most alchemists, I need a transmutation circle to do anything. You!" Anna pointed at the boy who had spoken. "Come here."

The boy glanced up at his armored companion and stepped forward.

"What's your name?" asked Anna.

"Edward Elric," said he.

"Alright, Ed," Anna held out her right arm, tattoo facing up. "I want you to hold my arm so I can't use my alchemy."

Ed did so with his own right hand. Anna raised her eyebrows at the feel of a mechanical grip, but said nothing about it. With her left hand, she took out the flask of vodka and uncapped it with her teeth. "Anyone want to smell this and prove that it's just good old-fashioned liquor?"

A few people came up, sniffed it, and verified that it was plain vodka.

"Then here I go. Bottom's up!" cried Anna, and took a large swig of the vodka. Instead of swallowing it, she held it in her mouth and put away the flask. Next, she drew a match out of her pocket. She lit it on the bottom of her shoe and held it in front of her mouth. Tilting her head back so as not to harm her audience, she spit out the vodka, directly into the flame.

_Woosh!_ A fireball sprang from her lips. Beside her, Ed jumped, obviously startled, but did not release her arm. There were cheers all around, and Anna bowed. With her 'assistant' still keeping a tight hold, Anna went on with her act, doing it all one-handed. She juggled torches layered with different elements so that they changed color as they burned, balanced a fiery spinning ball on her fingertip, and 'ate' matches by lighting and putting them out in her mouth, among other things, until it was time for her big finale.

"For this, I'll need to make something, because it sure wouldn't fit into my backpack," said Anna. "So you can let go now, Ed."

When Ed released her arm, Anna knelt down and began transmuting the ground, pulling up elements and shaping them into a huge cannon. When it was finished, she asked Ed to check its authenticity.

"No," he said, after looking it over. "That's definitely not a real cannon."

Anna pretended to look shocked. "Of course it's not! I'm not _that_ crazy! If it was real, I'd be blown to bits when I tried to shoot myself out of there! This, ladies and gentlemen, is a cannon designed to shoot only human cannonballs."

"You're going to fire yourself out of that thing?" asked Ed.

Anna shook her head. "Technically, you're going to do the firing."

"You _are_ insane, do you know that?"

"Yep." Anna hoisted herself up and into the cannon feet first. "Pull the fuse when I say 'Go'." she said, before sliding all the way down.

"Blackpowder! Full Metal!" someone shouted.

From inside the cannon, Anna groaned, and shimmied up to poke her head out. "Yes, Colonel?"

"What are you doing?" demanded Roy.

"Becoming a human cannonball. What's it look like?"

"Get out of there!"

"Spoil my fun…" Anna grumbled, but climbed out of the cannon.

"Full Metal," snapped Roy. "Get rid of that thing and meet us back at my office."

Ed shrugged at Anna, then clapped his hands together and began breaking down the cannon via alchemy.

_So that's the Full Metal Alchemist?_ thought Anna. _You'd think he'd match the size of his reputation. _"Sorry, folks!" she called aloud to her bewildered audience as she followed Roy down the street. "You'll have to come back next time!"

"What makes you think there'll be a next time?" Roy growled.

"Admit it, Colonel. I make your life interesting."

"No, you make my life difficult."

"Maybe there's no difference. Challenges can be very enterta—"

Roy interrupted her. "I meant to tell you this at headquarters, but I'm hoping it'll shut you up. We received a message from your hometown. One of the mine tunnels collapsed…your father was in it."

Anna froze, her face suddenly very pale. "Which tunnel?" she gasped.

"What?"

"Did they say which tunnel it was?"

Roy recalled that the message had been specific about the collapse. "The north branch of mine eight," he said. "But--"

"Dammit!" Anna grabbed Roy by the shoulders. "When did it happen? How long ago?"

"A day or two at most, but what does it matter, Anna? Your father is dead."

"No! Not yet…the gas in that tunnel won't kill him that quickly." With that, Anna ran off in the direction of the train station.

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_Tolly: May I recommend two things? One: that you be on the lookout for "Elemental Alchemist" and "The Philosopher's Crossing" (written by my fellow forum freaks) and two: that you review!_


	3. Home Sweet Home

Edward and Alphonse sat in the seat across from the Blackpowder Alchemist as the train headed due south, towards Anna's hometown. Ed had been ordered by Mustang to make sure that Anna actually came back to Central once the matter of the mine collapse was settled.

"Are you alright?" Al asked her.

"Why is it that people only ask that question when it's completely obvious that you're _not_ alright?" snapped Anna, glaring at the countryside beyond the window. "My father is either dead or dying, and I'm to blame for it, so no, I'm not alright. Thanks for asking."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

Anna sighed. "I know you didn't. But I'm mad at myself for what's happening, and since I hate being mad, it makes me even madder. On the bright side, I'm too mad to be sad yet."

"Why do you keep saying it's your fault?" asked Ed. "You were in Central when the collapse happened."

"Yes, but the shaft that collapsed was N8, the eighth shaft extending northward, and any problems with that one are my fault."

"How so?"

Anna leaned back, thankful for a distraction from her self-irritation, and began the story. "Fifteen years ago, when I was nine, our town wasn't doing so well in the money department. I was studying alchemy, and when I overheard my parents talking about how they could afford to feed four children with another one on the way, I decided to take matters into my own hands."

"What did you do?" asked Al.

"I went off into the mines by myself, which I wasn't supposed to do, went down a shaft and started transmuting the iron into gold, which I also wasn't supposed to do. But I forgot about equivalent exchange. It takes three parts iron to make one part gold, so the normally sturdy veins of iron ore were getting weaker and weaker as I kept taking the iron away. Eventually, I would have collapsed the tunnel on top of myself, but luckily, the weakened veins hit a pocket of natural gas, and I passed out. Then the gas could have killed me, but my brothers found me before it hit a lethal level. As soon as I was well enough, I went back to shaft N8 and sealed it off. My brothers and I told everyone how weak the shaft was and that there was gas in it, and so the miners left it alone, went to another shaft, and found a larger vein that got the town back in business."

"So why was your father in N8, if it was sealed off?" Ed wondered.

Anna shrugged. "All I know is that I created that death-trap, and I have to keep it from taking my father's life. It's my burden."

Ed nodded, understanding.

Then Anna added, "Plus, I miss Mama's cooking…"

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Anna leapt onto the platform before the train had come to a complete stop and headed for the mines at a run, with Ed and Al at her heels. As they ran through the town, Ed couldn't help but wonder why there were so many people around. If there had been a potentially fatal collapse, why weren't they at the mine helping?

Anna finally arrived at shaft N8 and skidded to a stop, frowning. The stone seal was unbroken. "What the hell…?" she muttered.

Suddenly, a battle cry sounded from above and three grown men jumped from their hiding spot above the mine, landing on Anna.

"Oof! You idiots! Get off me!" she yelled.

"Not till you apologize," said one of the men.

"Johnny! Charlie! Raymond! Get off me this instant!" Anna slapped the ground with her right hand, created a handhold and held on tight as a section of the ground tipped up vertically until all three men had fallen off. She set the ground straight again, saying, "And where are Chester and Iggy?"

"We're right here, Anna!" called two teenage boys.

"My back…" Ed groaned from underneath them.

"Hey, leave him alone. He's a State Alchemist, too," said Anna. The two boys stood and helped Ed up.

"Um, what's going on?" asked Al, bewildered.

"That's what I'd like to know," said Anna with a scowl. She took a boomcoin out of her pouch and flipped it in the air: a mild threat. "Speak, dear brothers."

"We got your letter," Raymond explained. "The one about getting your license, and we were offended that you didn't come home to tell us. So, we figured we'd make you come back."

Anna sputtered for a moment, and then a slow grin spread across her face. "You guys are a lot smarter than you act, do you know that?"

"Obviously, so are you," said Johnny. "Who'd ever think that _you_ could pass the State Exam?"

"Oh, very funny."

"Are you really a State Alchemist?" Iggy asked Ed.

"Yep, I'm the Full Metal Alchemist. Name's Edward Elric, and this is my brother Alphonse."

"Hey, something's familiar about you…" said Raymond, stepping closer to Al. He sniffed, then grinned. "That armor comes from our mines."

"The miracle nose strikes again," said Charlie with a laugh.

"You're practically family then," said Johnny.

"Because he's wearing our iron?" Chester wondered.

Johnny ignored him. "How'd you two like to have dinner at our house?"

"Sounds good to me," said Ed.

"Oh, but the Colonel…" Anna began, before bursting into laughter. "The Colonel thinks we're here mourning Papa! We don't have to be back at Central for at least a week!"

"That's the spirit, sis!" Charlie said, grinning.

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The Johnson home turned out to be almost taller than it was wide, with three full stories and a little tower at the top. The first floor held the kitchen, the living room, the dining room, and other such things. The second floor had bedrooms for Anna's parents and the younger boys, and the third floor was occupied by Johnny and his wife and son. Anna's room was in the tower, so that if she had an accident, she was less likely to destroy the whole house.

The Elrics were welcomed in by Anna's mother, from whom all of the Johnson siblings had inherited their mischievous gray eyes.

Before Anna could even cross the threshold, she was hugged around the waist by her five-year-old nephew.

"Cannanna!" he cried. He was still too young to properly pronounce her nickname.

"Hey, Little John," she said, picking him up and carrying him over to a chair. "You're bigger every time I see you!"

"Grandpa says pretty soon I won't fit through the doors."

"He's probably right. Where is your Grandpa, anyway?"

Little John pointed to a side door. "In his office. I think he got a call from your boss."

Anna grimaced. "Oh, lovely. There goes my vacation." She put Little John down, and went to greet her father and talk to Roy.

"Blackpowder…" Roy began when she got on the phone.

"The one and only," said Anna cheerfully. "Hey, isn't it great? Papa's not dead, after all!"

"Yes, that's good news. When are you coming back?"

"Why? Do you miss me?"

"Of course not. I'm concerned about those poor people in your hometown. They were finally free of you after all those years."

"Admit it, Roy. You miss me. I'll catch the afternoon train tomorrow, and I'll bring you some firecrackers. How's that?"

"Blackpowder?" asked Roy cautiously. "What kind of firecracke—"

"Oh! Gotta go, dinner's ready! Over and out, Colonel!"

"Blackpow--!"

Anna hung up on him and skipped out to the large and full dinner table. The only remaining seat was next to a young man with spiky orange hair. He smirked at her as she sat down.

"How come I didn't get any letters, Anna?" he asked.

"Sorry, Leon. I had orders not to contact anyone more annoying than me. And don't you have any manners? You're supposed to pull out a lady's chair for her."

"But," said Leon. "You're not in a dress, so you're not a lady at the moment."

Anna stuck her tongue out at him.

He continued. "And concerning me being annoying: I'll stop bugging you if you'll just say yes."

"No," said Anna firmly, but her eyes had a familiar gleam.

Leon shrugged and started eating. "Suit yourself. You know I can keep asking forever."

Meanwhile, across the table, Chester was watching the Elrics eat. Strike that, he was watching Ed stuff his face, and Al _not_ eating. "Why haven't you taken off your armor?" he asked Al.

Ed froze in mid bite. "Umm…"

"He wears it for protection," said Anna quickly. "Al's so amazingly handsome that every girl within a mile would just attack him if they ever saw what he looked like. And since there are three females at this table, he still has to wear it."

Chester scowled at her. "You're lying."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are! Your eyes get all big when you make excuses!"

"Nuh-uh."

"It's alright," said Al. "You don't have to lie for us, Anna."

Ed knocked on Al's chestplate. "Hear that echo? He's just hollow armor."

Chester stared in amazement. "Cool!"

"How'd it happen?" asked Leon.

"Er…that's kind of a long story," said Ed. "But Al has no body, and I've got these." He showed Leon his arm and leg.

Leon was especially interested in Ed's leg. "That's really well made."

"Yeah, well, I've got a good mechanic."

"Do you mind if I borrow the design for the foot?" Leon pulled one leg up and rested his right foot against the table. Or at least, what should have been his foot. All he had was an iron peg. "A piece of machinery fell on me a few years ago," he explained.

"No problem," Ed started taking off his boot so Leon could see how the automail foot was made.

"Hey!" Anna's mother interrupted. "No showing off artificial feet at the table!"

"Sorry," chorused Leon and Ed.

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Later that evening, while Anna was upstairs with her two younger brothers, picking out just the right explosives to bring back to Central, Leon unscrewed his peg-leg to show Ed the transmutation circle etched into the top of it.

"I studied alchemy with Anna when we were younger," said Leon. "I was better with the theories and equations, but when it came to actually transmuting something, she was always the more advanced student. Now the only alchemy I do on a regular basis is to my foot. And speaking of which…"

Leon screwed the iron peg back on, took one last look at Ed's foot, and tapped his own on the floorboards. The metal was transmuted into a larger version of Ed's automail.

"It's not as good as real automail, obviously," Leon remarked as he examined his handiwork. "But at least it's an actual foot again. My compliments to your mechanic, Ed."

"I'll be sure to tell her that next time I see her."

Just then, Anna came back downstairs. "I hope you two don't mind sharing a room with Chester and Iggy," she said to the Elrics. "They've got an extra bunkbed for company."

"Who am I sharing a room with?" asked Leon with mock innocence.

Anna rolled her eyes. "You live right next door, Leon. I'm sure you can find your way home."

An explosion suddenly shook the house. All eyes turned immediately to Anna.

"Ah, heh heh…" Anna began, then turned and ran back upstairs, yelling, "Iggy! I told you not to touch those!"

Johnny's wife sighed. "And I just got Little John to go to sleep."

Raymond leaned back in his chair and raised his glass to Ed and Al. "Just another day in the Johnson family circus. Cheers."

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_Tolly: Sorry about that. I could have gone on forever with this chapter, but it had to end sometime. makes big Bambi eyes Please review!_


	4. Farewell Johnsons! Hello Riptide!

_Tolly: In case anyone was wondering, Anna learned the Elric's story on the train. I would have written that part, but we've all heard it so many times, I didn't think you'd want to hear it again. And the Riptide Alchemist belongs to Rhain._

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When Ed woke up the next morning, he found himself on top of a bunk-bed (of which there were two), and he was the only one in the room. Drifting in through the open door of the bedroom were the sounds and smells of breakfast cooking. Ed hurried downstairs.

"Good morning!" said Anna's mother as he entered the dining room. She was bringing a big plate stacked with giant pancakes to the table, where Chester, Iggy, Little John and Al were already sitting.

"Where's everybody else?" asked Ed, taking a seat.

"Leon went home sometime after midnight, the men got up before dawn to go to the mines and Anna left an hour ago to clean the neighbor's chimney," Mrs. Johnson explained. "And Lorelai--that's Johnny's wife--is working at the store in town."

Meanwhile, Iggy was challenging Chester to a duel. "I bet I can eat more than you," he said.

"Bet you can't!"

"I can eat more than both of you!" declared Little John, and started piling food onto his plate.

"I'd start eating if I were you, Ed." said Mrs. Johnson. "It won't last much longer."

Ed didn't need to be told twice.

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Fifteen minutes later, the four boys were stuffed with eleven pancakes each. But there was one left on the plate. Chester and Iggy were both reaching for it when it was plucked up by a sooty hand.

"Good pancakes, Mama," said Anna, stuffing it into her mouth.

"Hey!" protested her little brothers. "That was the winning pancake!"

Anna pretended she hadn't heard them. "Oh, and I stopped by the mines. Told them to try that spot on the hill again, and this time they listened. And guess what? They found iron, just like I said they would when I first suggested it—two years ago!"

"Why wouldn't they listen to you before?" asked Al.

"Because I'm just a female," said Anna, clasping her hands and batting her eyelashes. "And they're big, strong men who know exactly what they're doing."

"Don't listen to her, boys," said Leon, walking into the dining room. "She's just jealous that men are so much better at everything."

Anna took a candlestick off the table and started poking him with it. Leon promptly grabbed a second candlestick and the two 'grown-ups' began a mock sword fight.

Mrs. Johnson came back out of the kitchen and leaned on the door frame, watching Anna and Leon with a small smile on her face. "You two are setting a bad example for the boys."

"Nonsense," said Anna between parries. "Ed and Al practice fighting every day."

"Yeah, but not with candlesticks," said Ed.

"Really?" said Leon. "You should try it sometime. It's quite invigorating."

"Quite," agreed Anna.

"If I win, Anna, we're getting married."

"And if I do, we're not!"

Leon lunged then, and Anna responded with a circular parry that flicked Leon's candlestick out of his hand. Anna smirked. "Another victory for womankind," she crowed.

"Ah, well," sighed Leon. "You may have won the battle, but I'll win the war. Right, guys?" He winked at Chester and Iggy and left the house.

On cue, Chester and Iggy began petitioning. "Come on, Anna, marry him already." "He's been at it for eight years." "We know you like him."

"How dare you turn my brothers against me!" cried Anna, running after Leon.

Mrs. Johnson chuckled and shook her head. "Leon's been proposing since they were both sixteen," she explained to the Elrics. "The only person who hasn't placed a bet on when they'll get married is Anna."

"My bet is for next summer," said Iggy.

"Anna's more stubborn than that," said Chester.

"Can I have more pancakes, Grammy?" asked Little John.

"You boys need to get upstairs and get ready for school," said Mrs. Johnson. "And don't you dare sneak up to Anna's room again and take her things to school. I don't want another note from your teachers."

"Yes, Mama."

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"Farewell, Anna!"

"We'll never forget you!"

"Oh, shut up, you two," Anna snapped at Charlie and Raymond, who were pretending to sob on each other's shoulders. The whole clan was at the train station to see Ed, Al and Anna off. "You know, you can always come visit me in Central. I'm sure the Colonel would love to meet my family."

Al couldn't help but laugh as he was struck with a sudden image of Roy buried under a Johnson pigpile.

"Why would we do that, when your brothers can always trick you into coming home?" asked Anna's father, sweeping her into a bear hug.

"I won't fall for it again!" she cried.

"Oh, yes, you will. You don't have a choice," Mr. Johnson set her on her feet again. "You've got a big heart, and we're all very proud of you for that."

Then Mr. Johnson turned to the Elrics. "I'd ask you to keep Anna out of trouble, but not even the Furher could control a Johnson."

"Hear, hear!" cheered Anna's brothers.

The train's whistle sounded and the three alchemists hopped on board, leaning out a window to wave as they pulled away from the platform. Little John and Leon started chasing the train. The former fell quickly behind, but the latter caught up to their window and grabbed on, hanging from the moving train.

"So, will you marry me?" he asked Anna.

"No!"

"Okay. Just checking." Before letting go, Leon turned to Ed. "Thanks for the new foot!"

"Anytime," said Ed.

Leon nodded and dropped from the train.

Soon, Anna's hometown had faded back into the countryside.

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The moment he heard the merry "Hello, Colonel!" Roy felt a headache coming on.

Anna marched into his office, carrying a large box in her arms and leading the two Elric brothers. "I brought those firecrackers you asked for!" she said brightly.

"I didn't ask for any firecrackers," Roy grumbled.

"But they're so much fun!" She pulled out a small explosive and tossed it at Roy. "Go on, light it up!"

Roy sighed, lit the tiny fuse and dropped the firecracker on the floor. After a few seconds, it sputtered to life, producing a wheel of pink sparks and propelling itself across the floor. It got going fast enough that when it reached the wall, it went straight up for a couple of feet before losing power and falling back down. Soon afterwards, it burst into blue flames and died.

During this display, Roy couldn't help but smile, but his face was serious again when Anna looked back at him.

"Well?" she asked.

"Clean up those scorch marks."

Anna smirked and knelt to fix the burned floorboards. "You're not in a very good mood today, are you, Colonel?"

Roy ignored her and looked to Ed and Al. "I appreciate you babysitting Blackpowder, and I apologize for burdening you with such a task. You're dismissed."

"Babysitters usually get _paid_," put in Anna.

"Not when they're babysitting someone older than themselves."

"Then I'll pay them." Anna reached into her box of tricks and gave a handful of firecrackers to both boys. "I recommend setting these off in the cafeteria…"

"Blackpowder!" snapped Roy.

Anna glanced at him and grinned. "…Or under the Colonel's bed. And Mama said you two are welcome at the house anytime. You have better manners than all of us combined."

"Um, thanks," said Al. As he and Ed left Mustang's office, he asked his brother, "How long do you think Anna will last in the military?"

"No idea," said Ed. "Think we should start taking bets?"

Meanwhile, back in the office, Anna was showing off all the firecrackers she had brought and ignoring Roy.

"…and these are actually for Lieutenant Colonel Riza. See? There's a little trigger…"

"Get out of my office."

"…oh, and these were the ones I made when I figured out how to turn sugar into TNT…"

"Leave now."

"…and—"

She was cut off by the arrival of a young woman dressed in what had once been a military uniform. It was now ripped up almost beyond recognition.

"Who are you?" asked Roy.

"I'm the new Riptide Alchemist," she said. "They told me to report to you."

"Oh, right. I forgot about that." said Roy. "What did you do to your uniform?"

"Who cares?" Anna exclaimed. "It's awesome!"

"Blackpowder, don't encourage her."

"What's wrong with being friendly? And at least she wears the uniform, which is more than you can say for me." To the newcomer, she added. "My name's Anna, by the way."

"I'm Rosalie."

"No! No-no-no! You two can not become friends!" yelled Roy, jumping out of his chair.

They both ignored him.

"Do you have a place to stay yet?" asked Anna. "Because I've got an extra room in my apartment."

"That sounds great! Did you keep the uniform they gave you? I could help you fix it."

The two young women left the room, already partners-in-crime. Roy groaned and sat down again. It was then that he noticed the spot where the firecracker had gone off. Instead of cleaning it up, Anna had rearranged the scorch marks into an arrow pointing to Roy and the words _Beware: Cranky Colonel._

The next person to walk in wondered why Roy was banging his head repeatedly on his desk.


	5. The Blackpowder List

**The 214 Things Blackpowder Is No Longer Allowed To Do As a State Alchemist**

1. Must not blow up any part of HQ. This includes Mustang's office.

2. Not allowed to use my pocket watch as a boom-coin unless it's an actual emergency.

3. "Dogs of the military" is not a literal term, therefore it is wrong to hand out flea collars.

4. Guns are not to be used as toys.

5. Guns are not to be used as bombs.

6. Guns are not to be used to poke people with.

7. Get down from there.

8. Must not turn any part of the Colonel's uniform into a time bomb.

9. Not allowed to use the Tag-you're-it circle under any circumstances.

10. I should refrain from causing food to explode during formal military dinners.

11. Not allowed to laugh at Mustang just because it's raining.

12. Must not make faces behind the Fuhrer's back.

13. Must not make faces in front of the Fuhrer, either.

14. I represent the State, not "the United Nation of Chimneysweeps."

15. Not allowed to recruit members for "Pyromaniacs Anonymous."

16. State Alchemists are not allowed to do street performances.

17. Not allowed to launch officers I don't like out of a cannon.

18. Fireworks should only be set off outside.

19. The only proper way to enter Mustang's office is by opening the door and walking in.

20. Not allowed to create statues of myself all over Central.

21. Food fights are not acceptable behavior for a State Alchemist.

22. It is not funny to add nitroglycerin to cigarettes or alcohol.

23. Not allowed to stick magnets onto either of the Elric brothers.

24. Not allowed release any kind of animal into Mustang's office.

25. Yes, human transmutations are still illegal, and yes, Roy counts as a human.

26. The following things do not exist, so there is no need for me to blow them up: invisible pirates, Warehouse 13, frogs disguised as paperweights, shoes equipped with mind-control devices, rodents of unusual size, and poisonous miniskirts.

27. Not allowed to catapult anything at the Colonel.

28. Not allowed to get arrested.

29. Blowing myself out of a jail cell will only get me into more trouble.

30. Rules were **not** made to be broken.

31. In the event that I am asked to speak at a military ceremony, I should not insult any other alchemist, especially if they outrank me. This is for my own good.

32. Not authorized to fire anyone.

33. Lawful orders should not be questioned, especially not by asking "Why?" thirty-seven times in a row.

34. I am required to ask permission before doing something that I might find entertaining.

35. If I find something entertaining, I should assume that it's against the rules.

36. When reporting to the Colonel, if the first words out of my mouth are "I didn't do it," I will always be found guilty.

37. Not allowed to adopt stray animals and teach them to sic Roy.

38. The previous rule also applies to local children.

39. May not get shot.

40. Not allowed to clean any of the chimneys in HQ.

41. Not allowed to stalk anyone unless I am ordered to do so by the State.

42. When the Colonel is too sick to come to work, I should not set off fireworks in honor of the occasion.

43. Not allowed to hijack anything.

44. When we run out of cannonballs, I should transmute some more of them. I should not volunteer myself or anyone else as a human cannonball.

45. Not allowed to plot against Mustang with the other female officers.

46. Not allowed to bury treasure in the HQ courtyard.

47. Not allowed to steal from intoxicated officers.

48. Blowing up homework for the entertainment of children does not qualify as helping people.

49. Annoying Roy should not be my top priority.

50. Obeying orders is not optional.

51. Since command decisions do not require a majority vote, I should not make ballots.

52. Not allowed to form my own army.

53. Must not auction off my pocket watch.

54. May not make up rude songs about my colleagues and teach them to civilians.

55. Alchemy should not be used as a way to short-sheet the beds of newly instated officers.

56. Not allowed to sic my brothers on anyone.

57. Colonel Mustang has no desire to have a minefield surrounding his office.

58. If I am smarter than someone, it is usually not a good idea to point it out to them.

59. Not allowed to "improve" anyone's alarm clock.

60. Not allowed to bite, growl or bark at people who call me a dog of the military.

61. I am not authorized to assign any jobs to new officers, especially ones such as guarding the city from underground invaders, pigeon deflection duty, and watching to make sure the grass doesn't grow too high.

62. No dancing while on duty.

63. Not allowed to change the transmutation circles on Roy's gloves.

64. May not create escape tunnels leading to or from HQ.

65. If someone tells me something is impossible, I do not always need to attempt to prove them wrong.

66. Not allowed to smile creepily at anyone.

67. The Colonel will not take responsibility for any of my mistakes.

68. Shiny is not a color.

69. Throwing a stick will not make someone leave.

70. Not allowed to create my own country.

71. People have a hard enough time passing the State Alchemy Exam without having to avoid booby traps before entering the building.

72. Not allowed to use the military's resources to research loopholes to any laws.

73. _Alchemist be thou for the people_ does not mean that I should take orders from civilians.

74. "Do not enter" is a command, not a challenge.

75. The same applies for "Try not to do anything stupid, Blackpowder."

76. My work clothes should be washed or replaced once a week.

77. If I wish to leave sooty footprints all over HQ, I should remember that the trail leads to me.

78. Accidentally bumping into Colonel Mustang while completely covered in soot shall henceforth be seen as a deliberate action.

79. Not allowed to hire people to follow me around playing theme music.

80. Only State alchemists are permitted to use the library, and I should not sell entry tickets to civilians.

81. Not allowed in any kitchen without proper supervision.

82. There is no longer anyone in the military stupid enough to eat anything I give them.

83. Practical jokes should be kept to an absolute minimum.

84. When someone tells me to dress up for a military function, they mean formal attire, not a costume.

85. "Because I said so," is not a phrase that I am qualified to use.

86. Not allowed to ask to receive payment for working overtime to stack paperclips.

87. People who owe me money are not enemies of the State.

88. Explosive experiments must be performed out of range of any civilization.

89. Not allowed to use my State alchemist license as a dartboard.

90. Not allowed to shave anyone's head while they're asleep.

91. "There was a bee," is not an acceptable explanation for throwing things at Mustang's head.

92. Not allowed to go cow-tipping anymore.

93. Not allowed to frame and/or display my court-martial forms.

94. I should apologize sincerely when I destroy State property in an explosion. I should not say "Whoo-hoo! Let's do that again!"

95. Not allowed to fiddle with time-bombs during boring meetings.

96. My duty is to serve the State, not to help unleash Roy's inner mischief-maker.

97. Not allowed to yell "Fire in the hole!" just because people run for cover whenever I do.

98. Unless I am in a life-or-death situation, I am not allowed to act upon any sudden impulses, especially those involving any kind of explosion.

99. Not allowed to encourage others to follow my example.

100. Not allowed to go to extreme measures to get a vacation, i.e.: faking my own death or kidnapping, destroying State property, petitioning for a section-8, or irritating Roy so much that he makes me leave.

101. If it squeaks, it will be taken away from me.

102. Not allowed to bet anyone's soul in any form of gambling.

103. Not allowed to flirt with male officers who are guarding top secret information.

104. I am to stop making puppy-dog eyes at Roy when he yells at me.

105. I should not make Roy angry just to see if I can make his face turn a new color.

106. I am not a ninja.

107. Neither is 2nd Lieutenant Havoc.

108. Not allowed to challenge anyone to a game of "Truth or Muffins"

109. If at first I don't succeed, I am not allowed to try again.

110. No spandex.

111. Not allowed to hold Fuhrer-for-a-day sweepstakes.

112. Not allowed to use HQ as a party house.

113. Even if the message says to report to HQ as soon as possible, I am allowed to get dressed first.

114. The Colonel doesn't want or need a pony.

115. Not allowed to put a sign outside my office advertising _Blackpowder Private Investigations._

116. Not allowed to create waterproof explosives and flush them down the toilet so that they destroy the plumbing.

117. Not allowed to throw firecrackers into the incinerator.

118. Not allowed to throw bullets into the incinerator.

119. Not allowed to go near the incinerator.

120. No setting up cameras to catch pictures of Roy in his pajamas.

121. A wink and a smile is not an appropriate response to any question posed by a superior officer.

122. Dressing up as Kimblee for Halloween is not funny.

123. Not allowed to sign the Colonel up for a Dunk-a-Clown booth.

124. If I find anyone who is more annoying than I am, I am forbidden to associate with them.

125. Not authorized to redesign the uniforms.

126. I should not challenge Edward Elric to a pie-eating contest.

127. I am not the eighth homunculus, no matter how many times I use finger-paint to draw the ouroboros on my forehead.

128. Spit balls are not acceptable ammunition in a combat situation.

129. Not allowed to stash anything in the ceilings, floors or walls of HQ.

130. Not allowed to hold auditions for "State Alchemists: The Musical!"

131. Not allowed to buy anything under Mustang's name.

132. The "ropey-thing" on my uniform is not to be used as a fuse.

133. Not allowed to ask for a new "ropey-thing."

134. No matter how naughty he's been, I am not allowed to fill the Colonel's office with lumps of coal.

135. Not allowed to teach children how to make bombs.

136. Not allowed to give someone a six-year-old child as a gift.

137. I should only design pyrotechnic shows for parties if I am asked to do so.

138. When I see someone sleeping, I am not allowed to come within poking distance of them.

139. There are no secret passageways leading to underground labs in HQ and I should stop destroying walls to look for them.

140. My salary is supposed to be used for funding my research, **not** for spontaneous shopping sprees.

141. "I was fighting pirates" will not be accepted as an excuse for being late.

142. This is also true for fighting ninjas.

143. Turning chimneys into cannons—bad idea.

144. I am not allowed to create my own battle plans and give them titles such as _Operation: Make Stuff Go Boom_.

145. I am supposed to avoid setting flammable things on fire.

146. Must not attempt to single-handedly win a war.

147. Not everyone appreciates getting a set of hand grenades as a present.

148. Young children are sweet and innocent. I should not influence them so they become otherwise.

149. Just because I am able to cause anything to explode doesn't mean I should.

150. Using alchemy to make a smoothie is not the kind of thing I should be presenting for my annual assessment.

151. Not allowed to initiate psychological warfare.

152. It's wrong to tell new soldiers that the bombs I give them are full of candy.

153. Not allowed to make candy-filled bombs and give them to new soldiers.

154. Not allowed to create new national policies.

155. No matter how much money I am offered, I am not allowed to sell Colonel Mustang.

156. I should not put up posters advertising a "Military Spirit Week", because there is no such thing (yet).

157. After my last visit to the State library, my pocket-watch will no longer guarantee my entry. I now require signatures from at least three officers who outrank me.

158. Not allowed to change the color of the military uniforms, no matter how good they look.

159. Not allowed to use my salary to hire mercenaries.

160. Absolutely not allowed to lead a streaking party.

161. Losing the part of the uniform that signifies rank does not mean my rank changes in any way.

162. The proper cartographical symbol used to indicate a minefield is not a smiley face.

163. Even if I didn't get caught, I'm still in trouble.

164. Double standards don't apply to me. Just because someone else does something doesn't mean I'm allowed to as well.

165. Not allowed to impersonate a drill sergeant.

166. Using explosives to extinguish fires is not allowed.

167. Even if it is a really really fun way to do put out a fire.

168. "Innocent until proven guilty" no longer applies to the Blackpowder Alchemist.

169. The punishment of idiots does not fall under my jurisdiction.

170. "We are the Champions" is not, nor ever will be, the national anthem.

171. I have no reason to lead a platoon of officers in a rousing rendition of the song mentioned in the previous rule.

172. I must wait for orders from my CO before firing anything in a combat situation.

173. Not allowed to challenge anyone to a shoot-out at high noon, or any other time for that matter.

174. Riza Hawkeye's aim is always better than mine. Always.

175. Blackmailing is not a legal chess move.

176. Since Amestris is a landlocked country, there is no need to fill the courtyard of HQ with water in order to "practice for battle on the high seas."

177. I am not the military's official spokesperson.

178. Or mascot.

179. Roy is not responsible for feeding me.

180. Not allowed to make boom-coin Frisbees.

181. Not allowed to take over a church.

182. Not allowed to pose as a psychiatrist.

183. Not allowed to take part in any bets involving slavery of any sort.

184. My fellow officers can not help me win bets.

185. Any plot that involves Mustang ending up wearing a miniskirt is not allowed.

186. Fights my brothers and I had against the neighbor's kids when we were little do not count as battle experience.

187. There is no gold, iron, or other valuable metal to be found under HQ, so I must stop attempting to mine it.

188. The same is true of precious stones.

189. There is no need to test every urban legend I hear.

190. Not allowed to perch on any ledge in Central.

191. Even if I do claim to be a gargoyle and have created gargoyle-like replicas of me on the ledge as well.

192. I am especially not allowed to do this at night.

193. This country is called Amestris, not Pyrotopia.

194. Using alchemy to seal people into their offices is not funny.

195. Not allowed to go near anyone else on Inspection Day.

196. The proper gesture to give my CO is a salute, not a peace sign.

197. Or any other, ruder gesture.

198. There is no National Pick-on-the-Flame-Alchemist Day.

199. I am not a god of any kind.

200. 'Damage repair' means I should restore things to their former state, not alter them to 'look cool.'

201. 'Damage repair' means I am _getting rid_ of the damage, not _improving_ it.

202. 'Damage repair' is not optional.

203. Not allowed to use alchemy to alter books in any way.

204. My bad handwriting, while effective in protecting my research, does not count as an actual code.

205. Not allowed to attempt breaking any military records, including: longest pole-sit time, most court-martials, biggest spitball, largest amount of _anything_ eaten, and best time in a prison escape.

206. Cannons are not the best way to settle arguments.

207. I should not openly comment on what a superior officer may be compensating for with his choice of weaponry.

208. Not allowed to transmute a giant watchtower for HQ. It is _not _necessary.

209. Any ideas I get from Edward Elric are probably as illegal as the ideas I come up with on my own.

210. Especially those regarding Mustang.

211. Not allowed to borrow Al.

212. The State Military does not use war paint.

213. Not allowed to arrest people for comparing me to the Crimson Alchemist.

214. My proper military title is the Blackpowder Alchemist, not '**Skippy**'.


	6. Yes!

_Tolly: Some of the characters in this chapter are the inventions of the people on my forum. Disclaim this, disclaim that, etc._

_Oh, and this chapter takes place two years, many items on The List, and a war or two after the preceding chapters._

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Rosalie woke to a loud explosion in the room next to hers. Anyone else would have jumped up immediately and run to see what had happened, but Rosalie merely sighed, stretched and walked calmly to her roommate's bedroom. Opening the door, she found her friend Anna sitting in bed, covered in soot and coughing from the smoke.

"Damn alarm clock!" said Anna. "I sleep-transmuted it again!"

"Want help cleaning it up?" asked Rosalie.

"Nah, I got it. Go make breakfast or something."

"What am I, your servant? Why do I have to do the cooking?"

"Two reasons: one, do you really want to risk eating anything I cook? And two, I outrank you."

The two women stared at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing. As if either of them had the slightest consideration for rank! Smiling, Rosalie returned to her own room to get dressed.

By the time Anna had finished putting the remains of her alarm clock back together, Rosalie was busy…poking suspiciously at a bowl of leftovers.

"What was that?" asked Anna, peering into the bowl and frowning.

Rosalie shrugged. "Some sort of noodle, I think."

"I vote we go beg Roy to feed us."

"You know he won't."

"Yeah, but at least we'll get the chance to bug him!"

"That's a good point," said Rosalie. "Wait a second…I think someone said something about today being his birthday!"

"Are you kidding!?" Anna exclaimed. "We have to bring him a present!"

Rosalie smiled deviously. "I was thinking more along the lines of sending it to him."

Anna grinned. "I like the way you think, Riptide."

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Fifteen minutes later, both alchemists were on the roof of their house, putting the finishing touches on their giant slingshot. Anna was expertly gauging the distance from them to the military headquarters and adjusting the projection angle accordingly, while Rosalie got the gift ready.

"One super squishy fire-proof blanket, 25 birthday firecrackers, and one military miniskirt," she said, carefully packing all the items into a spherical container. "Should we put our names on it?"

Anna shook her head. "Who else would fire a present through his window?"

They loaded the slingshot and pulled it back. As soon as they let it go, they became aware of a voice calling for them from inside the house. Rosalie scrambled down to the gable window they had used to get up, while Anna simply slid down the chimney.

"Hello, Mustang!" said Rosalie as she swung into the room.

Anna landed in the unlit fireplace and added, "What brings you to our humble abode?"

Just then, all three of them heard the sound of a large projectile slamming into the military headquarters building. Roy glared at Anna and Rosalie.

"What was that?" he asked suspiciously.

"That would be your birthday present!" said Anna cheerfully.

"My…birthday present?"

"It's your birthday, isn't it?" asked Rosalie.

"Not for another three months."

Anna and Rosalie looked at each other and shrugged. "Oops." they said at the same time.

Roy sighed. "I came to let you know about the military banquet tomorrow night…"

"Yeah, we got the invitation in the mail," said Rosalie.

"…and I want to make sure you are aware that it is very formal." Roy continued. "There will be no food fights, pie-eating contests, or explosions of any kind."

"This party doesn't sound very fun," noted Anna. "Maybe I won't go, after all."

Roy smirked at this, said goodbye, and left to assess the damage done to HQ.

"Damn," said Anna.

"What?"

"We never asked him to feed us."

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Leon O'Reilly examined at the iron sphere that had crashed through the wall barely a foot away from him. Poking it cautiously with his right foot, he decided that it wasn't a bomb, and told the military personnel hiding in various places around the office that it was safe.

"We've learned not to trust anything that comes from the general direction of Blackpowder's house," Riza explained. "Especially things that are round and airborne."

Leon laughed. "Story of my life," he said. "But really, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's an interesting way to live."

"You have an odd idea of what's _interesting_," said Riza.

Just then, Mustang arrived. He looked at the sphere, sighed, and rolled it into the corner. "Can I help you?" he asked Leon

"Have you ever wanted to get back at the Blackpowder Alchemist, sir?"

"Yes." Roy said without any hesitation. "What do you have in mind?"

Leon smiled mischievously.

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"Did you hear that?" asked Anna a few hours later, looking all around her.

"Hear what?"

From somewhere in the house, Anna heard a distinct _croak_. "That!"

Rosalie shrugged. "It's just a frog."

"In the house? In the city?!" cried Anna. "They're supposed to stay in their stupid ponds!" She began cautiously searching for the source of the sound, holding a boomcoin at the ready.

Rosalie stared after her, then went back to transmuting a razor-sharp ice knife. Suddenly there was a squeal, an explosion, and Anna came marching back into the room, holding the smoldering remains of a miniature record player. "This was under my bed. Any ideas as to who did it?"

"Don't we usually put firecrackers under Roy's bed?"

Anna's eyes lit up. "Do you think he's finally accepting his inner mischief-maker? I'm so proud of him!"

"So you're not going to retaliate?" asked Rosalie.

"Oh, I'm going to. And I'll need your help."

"Hooray!"

"There's only one thing I don't get…" said Anna thoughtfully as they left the house. "How did Roy know about me and frogs? I never told him about that…"

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"Why doesn't she like frogs?" Roy asked Leon. The two men had set up the record player and were now headed back to Roy's office.

Leon shook his head. "No one knows. She just doesn't. She's not your average person, you know."

"Believe me, I know."

"Now, our next step depends on what Anna does next. If she attacks, we counterattack. The banquet isn't till tomorrow, right? Plenty of time for a little prank war."

"You want to get into a prank war with Blackpowder? You must be crazy. She's got Riptide on her side as well."

"Yes, but you've got me on your team, Mustang. Anna's going down. Trust me."

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Roy woke up early the next morning to Leon poking his head. "What…" he began, then looked closer at Leon's face. "What happened to _you_?"

The red-head was covered with garish make-up. He smirked at Roy. "She got us both, just so you know."

"But how?" asked Roy, after running to wash off his face.

Leon held up two small black boxes. "Do these look familiar to you, by any chance? I have a feeling they might have something to do with it."

Taking one, Roy scowled. "This was what Blackpowder created for her annual assessment last year. Each box holds enough chloroform to knock out one person for two hours. She must have set them up while we were asleep."

"Do you have any more in storage or something?"

"There are a few in my office that I managed to confiscate…"

"Well then, what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

It was still pre-dawn as the men snuck up to Anna and Rosalie's house. Putting a finger to his lips, Leon tapped his right foot against the side of the house and transmuted the automail-like design into a strong but extremely flexible strip of iron. Roy handed him two of Anna's knock-out boxes, and backed away as Leon balanced on his iron foot and started jumping. Each time he jumped, the flexing of the metal pushed him higher and higher until he could finally grab onto a second-story windowsill. Sliding the window up silently, he activated one of the boxes and threw it inside. Then he dropped back down and did it again for the next window.

Leon and Roy waited for twenty minutes before entering the house.

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When Anna opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was Rosalie standing next to her bed, laughing her head off. "What happened?"

"Roy struck back!" giggled Rosalie, pointing at Anna's head.

Anna quickly ran her hand through her hair, but couldn't feel anything new. Her hair, as always, was little more than an inch long. "What?" she repeated.

Rosalie reached out and plucked out one of her hairs.

"Ow! What are you…What the hell?!" Anna stared at the strand of hair, which was bright pink. Jumping out of bed, she ran to the mirror and saw that her black hair had been dyed in the night. "Oh, dammit. He got me good."

"Whose idea do you think it was? Roy's or Leon's?" asked Rosalie. The two had discovered Leon's part in the attacks when they went to put Roy in make-up. Obviously, they had had to doll him up as well.

Anna snorted and turned away from her pinkified reflection. "Definitely Leon. I still can't believe he's pranking against me! And with Roy! They're both asking for it."

"I've got an idea for how to get back at the Colonel, at least," said Rosalie. Even though Roy was no longer a Colonel, the two insubordinate alchemists kept calling him by that title, just to annoy him.

Anna looked at her expectantly.

With a grin, Rosalie yelled, "To the thrift shop!"

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"I'm starting to get a little worried," said Leon that evening at the military banquet. "They didn't attack for the whole day. What do you think they're plotting?"

"Knowing Blackpowder and Riptide, something illegal, most likely," answered Roy. He glanced at his pocket-watch. "They're late, too. That makes me even more suspicious."

"I don't think they would do anything completely illegal, sir," said Brand Wallace, the Elemental Alchemist. His very pregnant wife, Katherine, was also a state alchemist, but she had chosen to stay home for the evening. "But they'll probably break at least a few rules."

Just then, the doors of the banquet hall burst open with a puff of brightly colored smoke.

"Oh, here they are," said Leon calmly.

Anna and Rosalie marched into the room, proudly wearing extremely over-the-top attire, all of which clashed with Anna's pink hair. All eyes followed them as they made a beeline for Leon and Roy.

"Blackpowder Rule number 20: Not allowed to create statues of myself all over Central," said Anna smugly.

"Rule number 84: When someone tells me to dress up for a military function, they mean formal attire, not a costume," added Rosalie.

"And Rule number 131: Not allowed to buy anything under Mustang's name. Did we break any others today?" Anna asked her partner-in-crime.

Before Rosalie could respond, Roy cut in with a very familiar tone of voice. "Blackpowder…"

"What? You started it." Anna said, blinking innocently.

"Actually, I started it," said Leon. "And now, I'm going to try to finish it, once and for all."

He got down on one knee and took Anna's hand. "Anna Johnson, for the thousandth time, will you marry me?"

Anna opened her mouth to say no, but then an impish grin spread slowly across her face. "Leon, do you know what today is?"

"Um…"

"It's the tenth anniversary of your first proposal. So I think it's about time I said yes."

Leon's eyes were huge. "Yes?"

"Yes!" Anna laughed.

"SHE SAID YES!!!!" Leon shouted, grabbing Anna in a huge hug and spinning her around. All of Anna's friends in the military burst into applause. As the cheers faded, Leon put Anna back on her feet. "Finally! Why did you make me wait so long?"

"I just wanted to be absolutely sure, that's all. And ten years is sure as hell enough time to make up my mind!"

He stared at her. "You are one twisted girl."

"Yep! Now come on, are we going to tell our families or what?" Anna started pulling him towards the door. "We also have a whole decade to make up for, you know."

If it was possible for Leon to look any happier, he did.

"Does this mean the prank war is over?" Rosalie asked.

"It would seem so," said Roy.

"Hold on a sec," said Anna, just before she and Leon left the room. "I forgot something." She knelt down and pressed her right hand to the floor.

And thus the Blackpowder Alchemist exited, with bright sparks and loud explosions filling the banquet hall.

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_Tolly: Yay! It's finally finished! Now I can work on the sequel…_


	7. A note from BP

Hey! Blackpowder here!

I'd just thought I'd let you know that even though my story is technically finished, the Blackpowder List will continue to grow. 'Cause after all, I'm never going to stop bugging Roy!! He's just so fun to annoy, you know?

If you have any ideas, tell Tolly, via review or email, and if we like it, it goes on my List!

Oh, and stop by the Alchemists Welcome forum sometime. That's where I'm living now, if you ever want a chat!

Over and out!

-Anna Johnson, the Blackpowder Alchemist.


End file.
